8. Land of confusion
After my experiences both ways my head was a mess and I needed to think things over and over again. My mind was playing with me and took me to the submissive side at one moment, but also pulled me into my dominance that turned out to be much stronger than I thought.
I just wondered what it would be like to be the one holding all the strings, not knowing what it actually could do to me. At first I thought it was just a game we played and we could change from sub to Dom and the other way around. I soon realized that that was not the case and there was a lot more to it, otherwise my thoughts would not have driven me into confusion.
We did communicate a lot through email and text messages, I loved that because I could write down my thoughts and feelings without interruption and I could read it over and over again to make sure that I said what I wanted to say to make myself clear. For me it was very important, I also learned to get to know myself a little bit better while these feelings and thoughts were so new to me.
One evening when I returned from work I found a 'BDSM Checklist' (He as my Master, me as His sub) in my mailbox, which he asked me to fill out. The list was full of questions about all kinds of aspects of BDSM, and I had to tell whether a specific aspect would turm me on, or not, or find it repulsive. This way he would get a better sense of how my BDSM sub personality actually was. So I went through the list answering the questions, sent it back and asked him to let me know his thoughts about the things that turned me on or things that did the opposite, as well as how it would match his own preferences. In the mean time he had filled out a almost same checklist, except this was created specifically for a Top to show his/her BDSM Dom personality. He then sent me his checklist. It was nice to read that many things actually did match and through this checklists I did get to know him and myself better.
I also took over control once so I wanted to know where we would stand if we turned it around, so him filling out the BDSM sub checklist, and me the Dom checklist, so we did. Well, the outcome was quite a surprise. I was so amazed, after I compared our lists - it seemed we were extremely compatible in almost every aspect, almost impossible! But also, comparing my Dom checklist with my sub checklist, it was so obvious that I was even allot more attracted to the dominant role! This was something that I had never expected, but the outcome didn't lie.
After being more and more aware of my dominant feelings, I realised that I just had to let things go without trying to understand it all. Some things are meant to be and from thinking of having no BDSM feelings at all, to have some submissive feelings as in extra excitement while making love, to be aware of your true feelings as being dominant? And this all happened within three months, contradiction or....
In the following weeks I sent him more and more often text messages from my dominant state of mind and played with his'. I loved that because it made me feel powerful and in control so much. Untill that specific moment - We were texting each other for an hour or so, I just wanted him to get on his knees for me. There was no possibility to turn back the clock or stop, my true BDSM personality had come out, so I told him to put on his chastity belt for me immediately and make sure the keys turned up in my mailbox the next day....
To be continued
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